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Chart #3: An Online Journal

An Email from Kelly to Mike - April 11, 2006

(For those of you who haven't read The God Particle, Kelly Smith and Mike McNair are two of the protagonists in that novel.)

Hi Mikey,

Well, you’re on your way across the Atlantic now, so I thought I would write you an email before I go to bed. Maybe if you make it to the hotel early enough you might get this before I wake up. God, I hate waking up so early! And going to bed so early, too, especially when you stay up so late all the time. I wish our schedules matched up better. I know I always say that, but I wish they did.

I’m sorry we had that fight last night. You kept saying we shouldn’t fight before you leave because we won’t see each other for several weeks, but…I don’t know. It’s hard, Mikey. It’s hard to know that I’m not going to see you for so long, that you’re not going to be lying in the bed next to me every night. It’s so empty when you’re not there. Sometimes when you’re gone I wake up in the middle of the night hugging your pillow, ‘cause it smells like you, and maybe when I’m asleep I can pretend it is you. At least the pillow doesn’t roll away from me when it gets too hot. ;-)

What I was trying to say last night, in between the yelling and crying, is that I’m going to miss you so much. The way we met, all that happened in Texas, in Olney, it just seemed so predestined to me. It seemed like it was meant to happen. I know you’re reading this right now and thinking how superstitious I am. But you and I both know what happened that night can't be explained. And even after that, when you proposed to me, when you put the ring on my finger that day we toured Princeton, it was the most magical day I my life, Mikey. You said a ring brought us together, so a ring should join us together. It was so thoughtful and sweet.

Now you’re flying to Geneva to work at CERN, and I’m so confused. I know Geneva is the only place in the world where you can do your kind of work. I know that. But what does that mean for me, Mikey? What’s the right answer? I offered to follow you there, but you won’t let me. I know you say it’s for the best, that I’ve made it all the way to Good Morning America and I can’t just walk away. But part of me thinks you’re saying that because you don’t want me there with you. Part of me thinks that you’re just trying to get away, because that’s what men do--they get tired of women and they run away.

Where does it end, Mikey? Do you quit your job or do I quit mine or do we just give up? We don’t have to worry about money. If I knew it was only temporary I could work here for a few years, we could save the money, and then I could move there to be with you. But what if we grow apart during that time? What if you meet someone else? What if you decide the work is more important than your relationship with me? You’ve told me before it happens all the time in your line of work. Will you be immune? Will you still love me if you don’t see me everyday?

I love you more than anything in the world, Mikey. You saved me in more ways than one. I want to go on this journey with you, spend the rest of my life with you. Please tell me you still want the same thing with me.

Hope you had a safe and comfortable flight.

Call me.

Love,
Kel Kel

Other journal entries:
February 16 : : February 23 : : March 2: : March 9: : March 16: : March 23: : April 5 : : April 20 : : April 28 : : May 9: : May 25 : : June 13: : July 6 : : July 25: : August 27